We all have something we’re afraid of, whether it’s spiders or heights or clowns etc. Then there’s those fears that are deeper. The fear of being alone or failing… Today I was thinking about my life currently and the situation I got myself in. And I had an epiphany, my biggest fear is not being enough. Not being good enough. I feel like all my life I haven’t been good enough for anything. When I was younger I always felt like I was never good enough for my dad. He’d always doubt me and put me down for everything I did. Him and my sister would constantly remind me about my weight. I used to hate eating in front of my dad in fear he would say something about what I’m eating or my weight. I would barrow my sister’s clothes and she’d come home and yell at me for streching them out bc I was “too fat”. I wonder where my weight issues came from? Then there’s school. School was the worst. Constantly being compared to all the other girls. I always felt I wasn’t pretty enough, tall enough, smart enough. My insecurities ate me alive. The only thing that really kept me sane were my friends and their consistent love, yet sometimes I even felt that I wasn’t even enough for them… Sometimes I felt as if they didn’t appreciate the person I was and what I’d do for them. Then there’s him. The one boy I gave my everything to. The one boy I’ve been down for when no one else was. I change who I was to be with him. Everything I said I’d never do, I did. I became the girl I never wanted to be because I thought it’d make him stay. It’s been 8 months of me showing him nothing but love and it still isn’t enough for him to want to be with me. it’s not enough, it’ll never be enough. And I’m tired of it. I’m so fucking tired of it. And I’ve realize I’ve given everyone my all. Because of my fear of not being enough I’ve always given everything I do and everyone I know all that I can give and for that I think I always expect that back, which isn’t fair. I guess I needa grow up a little more and realize not everyone has the same good intensions as I do. I think I just needa stop expecting the good in everyone because when it comes down to it, not everyone is. But I’ll always have good intensions even if it means wasting them on people who don’t deserve them. Do I make sense? Or did I just contradict myself? Lol fuck. I’m tired aha

I don’t wanna sound like I’m complaining but every year my birthday never seems to go the way I want it to go. Don’t get me wrong, last years birthday was crackin! It was the best I could do in so little time but this year I tried planning a trip to Disneyland but of course, once again! It didn’t go through. I always have to settle for second best and it sucks. I always have to change what I want to do, when it’s the one day that’s “Mine” ! Idk, I don’t mean to come off as a princess complaining about not getting what I want but idk… Lol What I do know is ima make the most of January 9, 2012! And I can’t fuckin wait till I turn 21 because I KNOW that will be CUUUHRACKIN!(; I just don’t know what to do for my 19th O.o aha fml

honestly, I’m super jealous of my best friends and their relationships=T They always seem so happy, and I wish i had that. I thought i had that. I did have that for a while but of course nothing in my life is consistent & things in my life never last sigghhh* BUT I know good things come to those who wait… And I’ll continue to wait, just needa stay patient. I deserve someone who’s going to appreciate me and everything I do. #truethat

jaackielovesyou:

Many of us girls have been through that phase where we say we don’t care, we could care less, or say I don’t even like you anymore, I wish I never met you. Etc. But deep down, they are feeling the complete opposite. They want their one & only guy to be with them again & to be okay & everything….

(via -doza)